As we approach the first “anniversary” of the U.S. Supreme Court’s Obergefell decision on marriage on June 26, I recalled what a wise friend of mine said a couple of years ago—Christians have approached the question of marriage and its meaning and definition like it was a debate when perhaps we should have approached it more like a beauty contest. His comment stuck with me. Something I experienced Monday and a news story yesterday helped me better understand his observation.
Before I get to my personal story and the news, we need to appreciate why his comment has merit. There is a philosophic and historical aspect to his cultural observation that Christians (and conservatives in general) need to appreciate. There was a time when reason and logic ruled the mind, called the Age of Enlightenment. But that way of looking at life seemed, to many, to leave no place for emotion, feeling, and beauty, so what’s known as Romanticism emerged. Consequently, how one feels about what he or she sees or experiences determines the truth about it, its worth, and its value. That worldview seems to have won the day.
If that’s the case, then examples of beautiful marriages between a man and a woman and the natural fruit thereof may be more captivating to the modern mind than logical arguments about the complementariness of the two sexes, the procreative realities inherent in male-female marriage, and the need for connecting children to their biological parents. That brings me to my personal experience and yesterday’s news story.
At a time when some are now arguing for wed-leases (yes, a marriage license would be a commitment for a defined period that could be ended or renewed) because they see marriage not working for the long haul, my wife and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary on Monday.
I’m not bragging about it, and I know that, left unattended, my own marriage could still unravel, but as I reflected back on our 35 years, having just reflected on being a father the day before, I realized what a beautiful journey marriage is.
However, there have been plenty of hard moments, too personal to share in a forum like this. As much as I’d like to say I wish there had not been such moments, the fact is that, having hung in there, they have refined and enlarged us as persons and as spouses. They are a part of what makes me value and treasure my wife and our marriage.
While there are some marriages in which personal safety calls for drastic action, the fact is that the person who perseveres with you during the intimate, intensely personal storms that marital life brings becomes the one you cherish most, the one whose hand you still thrill to hold simply because it means they are there and you know that when they are not there, a part of you is missing.
Then I had breakfast on Wednesday with a friend whose parents were about to celebrate their 74th wedding anniversary, and Thursday morning I read about President and Mrs. Carter celebrating 70 years of marriage. I also learned that President and Mrs. Bush celebrated 71 years of marriage earlier this year. Amazing!
Those of us who want to “defend” marriage need to do more to honor and recognize good marriages that can inspire those who are ready to give up on the idea of marriage or maybe their own marriage. Doing so is part of what the author of Hebrews meant when he wrote, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all” (13:4). It’s the reason I chose this topic for today.
So, as we approach the “anniversary” of the Obergefell decision purporting to redefine marriage, I guess my point is this: If Christians want to win the “marriage debate,” then we need to settle in for the long haul and demonstrate to a watching world the beauty of marriage.
That will take more work on our part, as our current track record on divorce makes amply clear. But if we’ll recommit ourselves to God’s design and intention for marriage, then, we can eventually win the debate.
Despite what some folks want us to believe, God—not the U.S. Supreme Court—will decide when the debate is over. It’s not over yet.
—David Fowler, President of FACT